“Wellness.” A word tossed around and soaked up by juice blenders, boutique gyms, bullet journals, and any and all products selling a shtick dedicated to making you feel better. And believe me, I’m buying into it. A candlelit bath has been calling my name since I left my house this morning, prompting a much needed dose of self-care to keep my body and mind at ease as I trudge on through this spectacularly stressful week. Bring on the sheet masks and the crystals!
We all feel this: workout, shower, commute, work, work more, eat at desk, keep working, event, commute home, eat something, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat. The time that it takes to give yourself the self-care that you actually deserve is squished between all the activities, and all we want is to be more functional than yesterday, using wellness as our path to feeling more holistically at peace.
This is where the acupuncture, the crystals, the matcha, the CBD, the guided meditations come in, swaying how we spend our time and money on being well. We have sparked a generation of chill people choosing yoga over happy hour just to find a higher self away from the noise. Amazing. But the pinnacle wellness has literally been at our fingertips this whole time, and I have still not seen a boutique gym dedicated to it: masturbation. It is interesting how masturbation has not taken the number one spot on the wellness leaderboard considering how closely it ties into the tenets:
- Sleep: Masturbation has always been linked to promoting better sleep and more restful sleep patterns.
- Stress: Masturbation helps to reduce stress in part due to endorphins produced from orgasm.
- Concentration: Masturbation is key in keeping your concentration levels up. Who can concentrate when you’ve just interacted with that hot babe who takes your coffee order every morning and smiles when saying, “This one’s for you!” Uhhh, I am a puddle of raging hormones and I need to get off before even thinking about doing anything else.
Why is that? Certainly there is enough room to add another option to the list, especially one that combines wellness benefits without you ever having to leave your apartment. Shouldn’t solo play be taking up real estate in the wellness conversation? And just like wellness, masturbation can come in many forms. Restricting it to just the nether regions of your genitalia is exciting, but limiting. Masturbation can happen with all the erogenous zones of the body, using different tools to derive pleasure-expanding experiences to get yourself off the way only you know how.
So here’s a list of ways to integrate masturbation into your wellness life. Happy cumming, babes.
The Coveted Masturbation Date
If you need permission to spend a night with you, your body, and all the toys you own, then I am giving you permission right now. Everyone is out here making “me time” a thing — do one better and turn your bedroom into a masturbation sanctuary. Have you never tried masturbating on your stomach? Here is your chance. Want to feel what it feels like to have an anal orgasm? You have a whole Masturbation Date to explore.! Live within this self-indulgence, and make solo time really all about solo time.
Meal Prep and Spank
Arguably, one of the interesting parts of wellness is how we’re all becoming more connected to our emotions as we explore our touchpoints and triggers. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The more we understand our reactions, the more communicative we will be with the people around us. This particular masturbation tactic is very much geared to the people who want to experience a little pain with their pleasure.
As you meal prep your next week with all the proteins, smoothies, riced cauliflower (I see all of you on this cauliflower journey), make prep a little more interesting using the wooden spoons you have laying around your kitchen. Every three minutes of cooking, crafting, and prepping, allow yourself 30 seconds of sensation: lightly tap your ass with a (clean) wooden spoon; working up to a good smack. See how that feels, breathe through it, ask yourself where your boundaries lie. Try an ice cube on your nipples or genitalia for those next 30 seconds. Of course, keep yourself safe. Yes, knife play is a real thing, but only for those who have experience with it and not someone chopping up veggies for the week! Think of this as interval sensation play: just you, a spoon, and an amazing week of well-thought out meals.
Yoga and Yoni
There is really not a day that goes by where I don’t see a person carrying a yoga mat and a green juice. Yoga is everywhere, and for good reason: focus, stamina, posture, stress relief. If there was ever a logo to symbolize wellness, it would be a perfectly posed downward dog. Combining this with masturbation is a major win-win on the wellness x masturbation scale, leading to phenomenal sexual health. Yoni eggs, also known as jade eggs, have been around for quite sometime and are designed to be lubed up, place in a front-hole orifice (no anal for this one, babes), and help strengthen your PC muscles for a stronger pelvic floor. The muscles in that area contract as the Yoni egg moves, creating a future where incontinence is an afterthought and orgasms are stronger. Place one in during your morning practice and let the Yoni egg do its thing as you stretch and flex to your favorite yoga Youtube playlist. Once you’ve completed your practice, you’ll be so turned on that you’ll need to start allocating extra flow time to flow if you catch my drift, wink wink (I’m talking about cumming).
Candlelit Bath and Cum
This is a personal favorite; a pinnacle of wellness. There is really nothing better than running yourself a hot bath (see opening paragraph), filling it with all the aromas, and surrounding yourself with candles. Lovely, right? Now, image a steady stream of water crashing down on your genitalia to a building orgasm against the water. Yes, yes, yes, yes yes, yes, yes. Instead of having to scoot your ass up against the topside of your tub, products like the WaterSlyde allow you to take that much-needed soak to the next level.
Laura Delarato is a writer, body-positive activist, sex educator, and the creator of 1-800-HEYLAURA, a newsletter dedicated to great sex and loving yourself.